A Good Chicken

I decided at the beginning of this year that 2012 would be dedicated to the medical profession. It all started on December 23rd when Alex and I took a trip to the ER because Alex had a significant amount of blood in his urine. $183 and an hour or so later we were on our way home. Alex had a new catheter to care for and our Christmas Day party was effectively cancelled. A few hours after that we were back in the ER when the catheter stopped working. 15 minutes later and another $183 and we were heading home again. I have pictures of Alex's humiliation but for the sake our retaining a healthy marriage I won't be posting them. Sorry.

Oh... did I mention that we don't have a single ounce of health insurance.

The good news I quickly discovered was the joys of "uninsured discounts". Because we were uninsured, the hospital decreased our bill from a little over $6000 down to $2400 and allowed us to make payment arrangements that were reasonable. So did the Urologists that he had to see in the following days.

Shortly after our cruise in the Bahamas in May, I began to limp. As the months (yep plural) progressed my hobbling grew worse. I finally called an end to the ludicrous behavior on the day that it took me until 1 pm to be able to put any pressure at all on my left foot. The next day I was at the Podiatrist's office for a 5 minute examine that determined I had a bone spur in my heel. I was given a cortisone shot which "burned like hell" just like the doctor said it would and was sent on my merry way less in pain and $100 poorer.

I think that's when it dawned on me that not having insurance isn't all that bad. I've even made appointments for the two of us to have our teeth cleaned next month.

My theory of course was shot to hell just a few days ago. September 25 to be exact. That's the day I had my regular, yearly gynecologist visit (which by the way only costs $84 if you pay the same day in cash). For some bizarre reason the night before I decided I'd take a pregnancy test just for giggles.

This is where I go off on a tangent for just a moment. You see I've taken dozens of pregnancy tests over the last 12 years and not a single one has ever, ever, ever been positive. Not even close. This is because I was diagnosed with PCOS (Poly-cystic Ovarian Syndrome) back in 2003. For those who are not aware of what this is, it means that I make the eggs, I just never hatch them from my ovaries. I tell all in my typically disturbing fashion of uncomfortable humor that I'm not a good chicken. After we were married, Alex and I tried 3 rounds of fertility treatment with no success. As a matter of fact the ONLY time I ovulated (and I've probably taken more ovulation tests than pregnancy tests) was when Alex was in Detroit for 11 days opening the new MGM Grand. Who says God doesn't have a sense of humor. About 4 years ago, we gave up believing that we would ever ever ever have a family. Even adoption seemed to be a stretch financially, mainly because you have to have health insurance.

So back to my story and you probably know where I'm going with this now. At 6 am, I woke up, took the dog out to pee, and decided to take one of the pregnancy tests. Only this time it was so very positive I had to read the box to figure out if my eyes were deceiving me. I walked into the bedroom, rudely turned on the light, and handed Alex the test. Not understanding what he was reading, I told him it was positive and began to cry. My tears were of fear. Raw fear.... because.... what IF it was lying? I was so overwhelmed with the possibility that I might hope again only to be let down. There are only a few handful of people out there that might be reading this that can truly understand the depths of my despair. So I took another one and got the same results. And then we laughed!

Off to the doctor's office we went. A bunch of questions, another pregnancy test, and an ultrasound later and we're officially 8 weeks pregnant! My doctor was kind enough to only bill us for the original appointment since it will cost $500 up front for the ultrasound alone! Then there's the blood work and the other appointments and other stuff that I can only speculate upon. So the moral of the story is we're getting insurance. And when we go back in 3 weeks, we'll have another ultrasound that will be "official" as every thing should be when it costs $500.

In the mean time, we're pretty darn excited that I've finally been able to hatch an egg.

Job Search

It isn't like I haven't tried. I've filled out no less than 7 applications for jobs. Each application takes around 2 hours to complete, including a personality profile test, which by the way I'll never find out on how well or bad I did.

I think that part of it is down right fear. I have these nightmares. All. The. Time. And every night they adapt. It's worse than a horror movie. In the first one, I'm in a house in my pj's and class is about to begin but everything is dirty, so I start cleaning. Kids eventually show up, I change in the hallway into some more presentable clothes but I still smell, and then I try to teach except I don't know their names, or how many kids are suppose to be there or how long the class period is. The bell rings and this goes on for like 7 classes. The last class is filled with 100% LD kids but I've been given no IEP or para. They start to act like wild animals and I wake up. So I tell myself that it's okay because when I start to teach I'll actually take showers and come to school in clothes that I dress myself in at home and that classes will usually run for 60-90 minutes. I go to sleep the next night and its the middle of the semester and I don't know a single name and they're acting like wild animals and not listening at all and then I wake up. I tell myself that its okay because I'll start at the beginning of the school year and have a list of names and will be able to lay out the rules from the very beginning. I go to sleep the next day and this time its the beginning of the school year but I can't find the roster of student names, they begin to act like wild animals so I put in a movie. An administrator walks in and is dumbfounded as to why I would be playing a movie on the first day of school. I go to a cabinet to find something more creative and its filled with blankets. In a panic, I wake up. I tell myself, its okay because on the first day of school I'll have a plan. So as you've probably already guessed, I go to sleep the next night and its the first day of school, I find a list of names, I start to teach from my lesson only that the lesson takes only 10 minutes of a 90 minute class. They start to act like wild animals and I wake up. I tell myself that its okay because I'll have a back up plan. Once again I dream the previous dream, the lesson ends to early and this time I decide to open up the text book to teach straight from. Only I have an American history book and all the kids have World history books. This time I wake up and throw up.

So with this on my mind I search the 7 school districts in my area to see what job openings are available. Some days there are quite a few. Today there were none. Some of the jobs slipped through my fingers because I failed to apply in time. I'm not sure why I procrastinated other than I was crippled by fear and lack of a good nights sleep. Others just disappeared without a phone call. I could speculate as to why but that kind of thinking will only drive me crazy. I called my university to find out what's going on with my credential file only to find out that I'm missing 2 letters of recommendation from my previous teachers. I've been out of school for 7 months now. Needless to say, it sucks contacting people 7 months later to remind them to send a letter so that I can get a job. School districts out here pretty much don't look at your application unless the credential file is attached. Only the university can send my file and it can't be sent until all 3 letters are there. The first day of school starts on August 6th for teachers. I'm kind of running out of time.

So I'm stuck.

In the mean time I'm reviewing all my history books because I have 2 more content tests to take on July 21. I thought that I would kill two birds with one stone so I scheduled each test back to back. Each test takes two hours. The first one starts at 7:30 am, the second one at 10:30. The testing center is located no less than 30 minutes away in good traffic. I'm brilliant, I know. I have two degrees to prove it. By noon on July 21st my brain will be leaking directly from my ears. And if I pass then I'll finally have my license to teach in this state.

I think its safe to say that I'm just a little stressed.

Oh, and then I got my financial aide statement today. Apparently, by the 24th of July I'm to make a payment of no less than $624 to the Department of Education. I haven't laughed so hard in God knows how long. It's probably the second time in my life I have given a piece of paper the middle finger.

Eggs

I usually make a pretty hearty-elaborate breakfast on Saturday or Sunday mornings. Sometimes I ask Alex what he wants or how he wants an item prepared to maximize happiness and contentment. His responses are almost always the same. Except for today.


Me: Hey honey? How would you like your eggs?

Alex: Proud, and pronounced with a teasingly running yoke.

Me: (Silently stare with head slightly tilted)

Alex: (Disappointed look and with pouty lips) Sunny side up.

Me: (pure laughter)



I suppose this is what happens when a husband watches too much Master Chef and a string of Jane Austen movies.

Be Mine

                                           For God so loVed the world
                                                   that He gAve
                                                        His onLy
                                                         begottEn
                                                                soN 
                                                                     That whosoever
                                                    believeth In Him
                                                       should Not perish,
                                                    but have Everlasting life.
                                                                                            -John 3:16

Accomplished

This was meant to be posted on December 18, 2011. 

I graduated yesterday. An event that is 15 years in the making. The ceremony was nice. It lasted about 2 hours but really didn't feel that long. The commencement speaker was amazing. I think she brought a tear to every one's eye. I was able to rein back the tears of emotion right on up to the part where the President of the University stood up and said that what she was about to say was the official part and then she started in on the "By the powers invested in me by the State of Kansas..." stuff. 

I can't help but wonder what my grandparents would say if they were still alive. Or my dad. Lately I've been telling this joke that my grandparents didn't live long enough to see my dad graduate, and my father didn't live long enough to see me graduate, so I'm pretty glad that I can't have kids so that the cycle will finally stop. And then I give a nervous little laugh because its more of an appalling statement then a joke. My family wasn't able to make it out for my graduation for a lot of different reasons but that doesn't mean they weren't with me.

It dawned on me that I am the sum of all my experiences. I would love to be able to write that statement out as a mathematical equation but I am not that talented or mathematically inclined. The end result is something that is always growing and always changing but yet sometimes still looks like what it used to be. So with this in mind I decorated myself in some memorabilia on graduation day.

Under my graduation gown, I wore my old initials "AH". These gold broach pins were passed down when my grandmother Amelia Harris passed away and since I was the only one with AH for initials they became mine. I also got a cream pitcher in the shape of a cow but that story is neither here nor there. I also wore the gold cross that was given to me by my step-mother on my birthday. It is one of the three crosses that my father owned/wore. Both are symbols of my past mixed in with a little bit of the future. Both represent a deep love in a trinitarian sort of way.

My mom sent me a wonderful charm bracelet made especially for teachers. Each charm has a special message or meaning. It's a great symbol of my future.

On the outside of my gown I had the honor and privilege of wearing a yellow Honor's cord for Magna Cum Laude and the blue and white cord for the Pi Gamma Mu National Honor Society of Social Sciences. 

I'll admit something that sounds a little silly now. The days before the graduation ceremony I would catch myself gazing at my grad gown like I did with my wedding dress. I couldn't wait to wear it and twirl around in it and swing my honor cords around like a 5 year old. I tried the hat on at least 5 times because none of it seemed real. And just like my wedding day, I wore the gown once and time seemed to pass by way to quickly. Here are a few of my favorite pictures:

Alex and I, after the ceremony and moments after I found out that I was Magna Cum Laude

My best and closest friend, Anna

Susie and Jim Hollis, two amazing people that come to see me often at work

Colton and Caden Mason hanging out at the house

The graduation cake

In the last few days people have asked me if I feel "accomplished". I'm not sure what that means exactly. My mind keeps replaying a scene from the book Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen where Mr. Darcy and Miss Bingley are explaining what a young woman must be able to do to truly say she is accomplished. It goes something like this:

     "It is amazing to me," said Bingley, "how young ladies can have patience to be so very accomplished as they all are."
     "All young ladies accomplished! My dear Charles, what do you mean?"
     "Yes all of them, I think. They all paint tables, cover skreens, and net purses. I scarcely know any one who cannot do all this, and I am sure I never heard a young lady spoken of for the first time, without being informed that she was very accomplished."
     "Your list of the common extent of accomplishments," said Darcy, "has too much truth. The word is applied to many a woman who deserves it no otherwise than by netting a purse, or covering a skreen. But I am very far from agreeing with you in your estimation of ladies in general. I cannot boast of knowing more than half a dozen, in the whole range of my acquaintance, that are really accomplished."
     "Nor I, I am sure," said Miss Bingley.
     "Then," observed Elizabeth, "you must comprehend a great deal in your idea of an accomplished women."
     "Yes; I do comprehend a great deal in it."
     "Oh! certainly," cried his faithful assistant, "no one can be really esteemed accomplished, who does not greatly surpass what is usually met with. A woman must have a thorough knowledge of music, singing, drawing, dancing, and the modern languages, to deserve the word; and besides all this, she must possess a certain something in her air and manner of walking, the tone of her voice, her address and expressions, or the word will be but half deserved."
     "All this she must possess," added Darcy, "and to all this she must yet add something more substantial, in the improvement of her mind by extensive reading."
    

I severely lack a thorough knowledge in music. I cannot sing, carry a tune, or conjure up a melody. I am a master of drawing stick-people. My dance moves look more like seizures. I brag that I known Canadian but this is another one of my bad jokes. But I do read extensively. Probably too much for my own good. So to answer the question... no, I do not feel accomplished. On a more serious note, I'm not sure what accomplished is supposed to feel like. If any thing I feel... humble. It has taken me so long to graduate that I thought it would never come. I never thought I would ever be published in a peer-reviewed journal, or be given an award by the Kansas Department of Education, or invited to an international Honor Society, or graduate in the top 3% of my class. If accomplished means surreal then sure. 

But honestly, it really feels like I'm just getting started.